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well well well.

guess it's time for show-and-tell.

2/17/09 11:31 pm

i know i'm not gorgeous like he is. my eyes are brown, sometimes hazelish, but rarely. not beautiful and blue like his. my smile looks awkward and that's why i always try to hide it; his is like a flash of white, contagious, really. my hair is boring compared to his. he's polished, well-groomed. smaller than i am, and neater. more comfortable with himself. maybe better in bed because he's less inhibited. tan, exotic looking, rather than pale and foreign looking. very attractive to 10 out of 10 people you'd ask. i'd get 6 out of 10 maybe. cute, adorable, sexy... you could describe him that way. not like me. i'm darker, brooding, more reserved. i know i can't compete. my good qualities are only valuable to a minority of the world's population. i'm not asking you to to marry me, i know your interests are elsewhere. but i am a person. and i am just as vulnerable, needy, emotional and sensitive as the next one. i hide it well, perhaps too well. but take my word for it: i bleed. in fact, some might say i'm an expert. i could make you happy, love you the way you'd want, i could be all the things he is and more, because i'd be doing them for you. i know when to fool around and when to make love. all i'm asking for is a chance, a risk, a gamble. i swear to you i'd be worth it.

10/11/06 06:22 pm - rain.

dear rain,

no matter how good an umbrella i carry, and no matter how short the time i'm outside is, you always mention to drench me. and i mean drench: we're talking full saturation of shoes and bottoms of my jeans, which of course makes me feel unbelievably uncomfortable. rain, because of you, i walked halfway to class and turned back around because i was soaked. that makes today's number of classes skipped 2, the only 2, which fucks me over bigtime.

rain, you are my sworn enemy. and you're all wet.

love,
m!ke

Current Music: AFI | Ever and a Day
Current Mood: drained

8/16/06 12:13 pm - make it stop...

every day it's the same: lunch time, when one person is designated to pick up food for everybody that wants it at the small medical office i work at, with 2 doctors and 4 secretaries / assistants, very cramped, usually pretty humid, and the perpetual, unwavering, consistently abhorrent eating habits of my dad's partner, the other doctor.

normally he is a pretty nice guy, ostensibly anyway. one of the most inarguably unattractive people i've ever seen, but that doesn't even bother me. he's the kind that talks with an excess of saliva in his mouth to begin with, so that his words tend to slur and slip into one another. this is also true with the way he eats: he chews with his mouth open, a crime that should be punishable by death in and of itself, and even worse, he smacks his lips, tongue, and food together, and he also talks whilst eating. the sounds, so harrowingly unbearable, permeate into my ears, the repetitive, shameless, probably oblivious affront to all civilized manners and consideration to others, to coworkers. it is a nightmare for someone like myself, who borders on obsessive compulsion when it comes to cleanliness and hygiene, not that one has to be anal-retentive to be averse to poor mastication habits.

in other news, i'm pretty good-looking. strangers told me today.
Current Music: Anna Nalick | Breathe
Current Mood: appalled

8/13/06 12:27 am - mapsmachinegoldlionmilesapart

all i have to say about the concert was that the countless detours on the way to brooklyn, the 20 minute wait to get in all too close to mobs of hipsters, the lengthy albeit not bad opening act called blood on the wall, the seemingly endless performance of sonic youth prolonging the band i actually came to see and the intense exhaustion that followed was totally worth it, because i got to see my soul mate: the amazing, uncompromising KAREN 0. 

she made a grand, strange entrance, circling her arms and hands, confidently stomping toward the centre of the stage. she wore a sequined dress adorned with colored scarves whose hue pallette reminded me of tropical flavored skittles, and from her left wrist dangled matching strings. her face was painted like an 80s pop star and she alternated between spitting / exhaling a spray of beer and water. her performance was breath-taking live, and the sensations i experienced the whole time she was onstage can only be described as ecstatic. i've never been to a concert where the artist playing is one of my true favorites, one of my idols before; the handful i've attended in life have all been spontaneous invites from friends to see bands i was only perfunctorily familiar with. the bliss was unanticipated and perfect.

i could go on and on and on and on about my karen, but i will end my chronicling by mentioning the unexpected pleasantry kate and i received when we left the concert and stopped off in the lower east side of manhattan for a bit, where a promotional van and representative from showtime channel's series, "weeds", gave out those rocket popsicles and green keychain bottle openers, something i've always wanted. i love free things, especially ones i can use.

i want to go back to school and the city but i am really afraid of how things are going to be different. and i am dreading the work aspect. and i still need to find a replacement class for the one that was cancelled, those fuckers.

ahora tiempo para dormir. buenas noches, todos.

Current Music: Yeah Yeah Yeahs | Miles Apart
Current Mood: content

7/13/06 09:56 am

i'm sitting in the tv room now and as i glance at the coffee table in the centre, i spot 4 flashlights of various colors and sizes. i wonder what they are for, and i realize that yesterday new jersey had a tornado warning and my mother, who purchased 20 gallons of water to supply a week's toilet flushing during the wake of Y2K, is simply exercising her right to be crazy.

i need to get out of this place pronto. i miss new york. i miss semi unlimited freedom. i miss everything at my fingertips.

i miss looking at my fingertips.


work is going okay. i like everyone. i don't liek waking up so fucking early but today i don't have to be in till 12:30 and i've just had 15 hours of sleep so i should be okay. tonight i volunteer at an unmentionably embarrassing place for a night.

that'll do.
Current Music: Yeah Yeah Yeahs | Y Control
Current Mood: calm

5/30/06 10:27 am


The sun, whose rays are all ablaze with ever-living glory,
does not deny his majesty--he scorns to tell a story!
He don't exclaim, "I blush for shame, so kindly be indulgent";
but fierce and bold, in fiery gold, he glories all effulgent.

I mean to rule the earth, as he the sky--
We really know our worth, the sun and I!

Observe his flame, that placid dame, the moon's celestial highness;
There's not a trace upon her face of diffidence or shyness:
She borrows light, that, through the night, mankind may all acclaim her!
And, truth to tell, she lights up well;  So I, for one, don't blame her.

Ah, pray make no mistake, we are not shy;
We're very wide awake, the moon and I.

-Yum-yum's aria from The Mikado

5/3/06 04:02 am - time for change.


1. Pick your birth month.
2. Strike out anything that doesn't apply to you.
3. Bold the five-ten that best apply to you.
4. Copy to your own journal, with all twelve months under a lj-cut.

SEPTEMBER: 

Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.


( las meses. )



quote of the week, said by yours truly to roommate: 'FINALLY, in 4 days, the 8 month-long sleep-over is NO MORE.'
Tags:
Current Music: Norah Jones | Shoot the Moon
Current Mood: accomplished

4/23/06 11:54 am

softly stirred in mid-morning
i listen to the pouring
the tiny beads of glass
slip down the window so fast
i wait in anticipation
looking at the crystalline constellations
the sound is my fixation
drip, drip
tap, tap
so audible, the rain
on my window pane.

Tags:
Current Music: Elliot Smith | Miss Misery
Current Mood: blank

4/13/06 09:52 pm - GUESS WHAT?

iestoy en casa! <>

i am watching Amelie on the sundance channel (!!), eating garlic shrimp i heated up myself, sipping some white zinfindel i pilfered from the libation cabinet of my parental units, and am enjoying some other fine things.

this is the life.


more later maybe.
Tags:
Current Location: dirty jerz
Current Music: Liz's screaming and obnoxiousness
Current Mood: crazy

4/11/06 04:43 pm - you make me want to projectile vomit.

today has been a good day.
nay, a great day.

i went to drawing and i'm stoked for my next project: a large wall drawing on rice paper with various silhouettes of different people of different proximities, with muted lights underneath and from below for a dramatic effect. an exploration of loneliness and isolation.

then i went to officially withdraw fomr my digital class finally, and they were all so nice, and it only took like half an hour. i also went to return my library books at both parson's and bobst. then it was off to canal st to get some supplies which was semi successful, and i wandered for a while until i ended up at pace. i ate at this fantastic place called oliva: pizza, sushi, chips, and yoohoo. sounds like an orgasm to me.

OH and at canal i saw this guy in an old-fashioned car blasting some old tune and it made me grimace.
i seldom grimace.

house to myself on friday, having some folks over maybesomehowwhoknows. then saturday i am driving to morrisville to see my jessica and our mom. and i get to see liz cuz she's picking me up friday night. and my friend laura might come in on thursday. and an easter egg hunt on sunday no doubt, for which i am of course very excited.

i have to stay here until the 3rd of may :( :( :(
but then i'm off to see kate in maryland :) :) :)


i'd like to do some art projects involving pinatas.
Tags:
Current Location: bed.
Current Music: Ani DeFranco | Falling Is Like This
Current Mood: satiated

4/8/06 02:34 pm - another week closer.

it's such a short yet appropriately intensified and stress-packed amount of time. we're not even talking full months now.

but god i am bugging out.

and to top it all off, i am sitting here in my laptop, unable to enjoy my solitude because my roommate is at dance practice (!) while his friend is sitting at my roommate's computer eating fucking soup!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! one minute to myself, please? god i hate my life.

at least there's humor from the New York Press:

"#7 MOST LOATHESOME NEW YORKER: JOHN SEXTON - UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT

What's worse than a bunch of over-educated, privileged, crybaby Felicity wannabes? Thier disciplinarian daddy of course. John Sexton helms NYU, that beacon of Downtown real estate and strike-busting. Sexton gave the rising princes of capitalism at the Stern School of Business a lesson in how to break the back of underpaid workers when he refused to negotiate with the Graduate Student Organizing Committee. The private university grad student union's contract had expired, and Sexton's stonewalling led to a November strike..."

why are we so hated?

why is my life a series of disadvantageous moments of supreme awkwardness?

don't answer those questions.



only a few weeks left. off-campus single in studio amazing apartment as soon as it's vacated. reassurance, reassurance...
Tags:
Current Music: Yeah Yeah Yeahs | Kiss Kiss
Current Mood: cranky

4/8/06 02:34 pm - another week closer.

it's such a short yet appropriately intensified and stress-packed amount of time. we're not even talking full months now.

but god i am bugging out.

and to top it all off, i am sitting here in my laptop, unable to enjoy my solitude because my roommate is at dance practice (!) while his friend is sitting at my roommate's computer eating fucking soup!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! one minute to myself, please? god i hate my life.

at least there's humor from the New York Press:

"#7 MOST LOATHESOME NEW YORKER: JOHN SEXTON - UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT

What's worse than a bunch of over-educated, privileged crybaby Felicity wannabes? Thier disciplinarian daddy of course. John Sexton hekms NYU, that beacon of Downtown real estate and strike-busting. Sexton gave the rising princes of capitalism at the Stern School of Business a lesson in how to break the back of underpaid workers when he refused to negotiate with the Graduate Student Organizing Committee. The private university grad student union's contract had expired, and Sexton's stonewalling led to a November strike..."

why are we so hated?

why is my life a series of disadvantageous moments of supreme awkwardness?

don't answer those questions.

4/3/06 10:59 pm - oh mondays.

i can't complain. i didn't go to class. i started my work at 2am and kept going until a little after 8. then i planned on waking up at 11:30 to finish my sculpture project and artist report... except i kept hitting snooze and woke up at 2, when my first class starts. i was so upset that i treated myself a whole day off! haha... ha... ahem.

tomorrow: go to registrar and wherever else to officially drop digital, do laundry if i haven't done so by tonight, start the written part of my drawing project, complete a good part of the art part, groom a little, and that's all i can think of for now. OH and i get 30$ for taking a drug use survey for hunter college HAHA. so i can't forget to go to that!

um degrassi hour long season premiere this friday, i think i might go home. i just might.

i saw buffalo 66 on ifc over the weekend. it reminded me of my home life a lot, which is really frightening. yeah.

that is all.
Tags:
Current Music: Yeah Yeah Yeahs | Gold Lion
Current Mood: full

4/2/06 06:40 pm - one hour of precious sleep, gone.

we lose an hour, we gain an hour. this month we lose an hour. this month i die.

family came into the city today for lunch, walked around union square. dad freaked out because of "BUSH REGIME CAUSED 9-11" groups and other similar "conspiracy theorists" who undermined our president and blah blah blah. he acted crazy partly to bother me, which is fairly funny.

watching msnbc documentary about homeless youth in portland. fascinating.

lots of work to do tonight but until the sun goes down, it's tv, naps, and party favors.
Tags:
Current Location: bed with laptop and back-rest pillow
Current Music: Yeah Yeah Yeahs | Machine
Current Mood: weird

2/13/06 04:44 am - well, it's almost 5 am.

and here i am, still doing homework. fuck.

i don't know where to begin to describe the amount of work i have to do.

my roommate was reading a book about nyu info, specifically the 10 best and worst things about nyu. he started laughing aloud and turned to me, saying, "the 7th worst thing about nyu: eccentric roommates." i thought it was funny.

i am a waste of life. i skip so many classes. i think i have chronic fatigue syndrome. or mono, although my throat doesn't hurt.

and i am also jobless. fuck you, pizzeria uno's. you did not respond back to me within 2 days. suckas. fuck you, nyu phonathon. you claimed to be hiring and then emailed me saying that all of your positions had been filled when i even know someone who just recently quit! shitheads. fuck you jeremy friedman from the earth matters newsletter for telling me about a new job at the recycling center, only to report weeks later that nyu cut your budget. well, i guess i should really be saying, 'fuck you, nyu, ur job opportunities suck and you're obscenely overpriced.'

enough ranting. it is time to get back to my twelve labours.


the end.
Current Music: Outkast | Rosa Parks
Current Mood: awake

1/25/06 07:52 pm - quick update.

my dining hall closes at 8, and i need to stock up on drinks...

so i put off doing my homework today down to the last minute possible. i just kept pressing snooze and resetting my alarm. i don't evne know why i was so tired; i went to bed around3 and woke up at like....12:50pm. that's almost 10 fucking hours. i must have chronic fatigue syndrome.

my cousin bailey, whom i have not seen since i was like 3, is visiting on friday. i'm really exicted, i never really had cousins around my age around the holidays or anything like that. bailey and her younger sister are from massachusetts, near boston i believe. but anyway, we're gonna get coffee somewhere other than starbucks. so, yeah.

then saturday i plan to visit home for a night perchaps and give jenny her birfday presents. she's gonna love them. i mean she'd better, i spent a whopping 47$ on her. in college money, that's like 470$. or for me at least. i dunno.

color studies tonight, for a million and a half hours. yikes.

bleh.

bloo bleh.

later.
Tags:
Current Music: Bjork | Human Behaviour
Current Mood: apathetic

1/23/06 08:33 pm - monday monday

"depend on the predictability and steadiness of life to support you."
[lucky numbers 8, 11, 24, 27, 44, 3 ]

that was my fortune. how depressing.

i need to shower. sculpture went well, i'm doing a crazy intricate project. advanced college essay was... errr... cara and i don't like some of the kids, and we'll leave it at that. i want to see sylvia this weekend. grace beat me in bingo.

need to do this color thing for drawing. and do 4 year plan. and return shirt at canal st. jeans. and lastly, buy my books (!)

 

-fin-

Tags:
Current Music: Kings of Leon | Velvet Snow
Current Mood: peaceful

1/19/06 06:23 pm - day of thurs

i am kicking ass and getting back into the swing of things by overachieving in the homework department and getting work done well in advance. big steps for me.

tonight's agenda: panqueques con mi amiga connie, and of course, tonight is mandy night. excellent.

and today in my digital art class, my teacher took pictures of all of us. when asked what the pictures were for, she replied [in her heavy Romany accent}, "i vill put zem on porn site." classic.

i bought jenny's birfday presents today, and i think i am going to go home for the night in spite of how shitty my family members are and how utterly revolting their apathy and lack of concern are. the other night i was in a friend's room and their suite mate was there, for the 3rd night in a row, working on an amazing piece of artwork for her boyfriend. she worked so long on it and finally meticulously divided it into puzzle pieces with an exacto knife. then she put each piece into a small envelope, 20 of them, because their anniversary is on the 20th. she is mailing all of those pieces. no one has ever done anything like that for me, not even close.

it's not that don't believe in love anymore, i just refuse to believe that something can exist that is so completely intangible for me, and for me alone. i don't know.


tomorrow is friday. friday.



pigeon pot (6:24:59 PM): i liked them [the r&b girl group, blaque] because they were in touch with their inner blackness
Tags:
Current Music: Simon&Garfunkel | Sound of Silence
Current Mood: confused

1/17/06 05:54 pm - first day of spring classes.

not that exciting. on the bright side, i don't have to wake up until really late tomorrow, because my first class is at 2. awesome.

still haven't heard back about job at recycling center. pretty shitty. and i'm getting poorer and poorer.

i am the biggest fan of pommes frites. avec bleu cheese and roasted garlic mayo.



i don't even know.
Tags:
Current Music: Coldplay | Clocks
Current Mood: calm

1/14/06 05:15 pm - so i got creative.

this one just came to me.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

and the other one may not be suitable for viewers under 18...

( explicit content... )
Tags:
Current Music: Sneaker Pimps | 6 Underground
Current Mood: accomplished
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